Missing You Dawn's story
by sunlit5
Summary: Dawn's feelings over the summer of 2002


Missing You   
Perspectives Summer 2002 

Spoilers: many of the finale of season 5 & then some season 6 -mostly Seeing Red  
POV: Dawn  
COC: Dawn and Buffy  
Disclaimer: ownership et al- Joss Whedon & Co.  
Site: http://sunlit.portkey.org  
Feedback- yes please. Email NOSPAMsunlitnickel@excite.com   
when you write you remove the NOSPAM so it would be sunlitnickel@...com ok? This is to prevent, duh, spam.  
Rated: PG 13.  
Wanna post it somewhere? Ask first. Thanks.  


Author: sunlit 

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Missing You Perspectives  
Dawn's story

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"This is ridiculous." Dawn whispers to herself. She has a chair propped under the doorknob in her room. She takes a cassette out of the bag she had pulled from under the bed and popped it into the tape deck. She puts on her headphones and presses play. It's the Sex Pistols. She doesn't really like them but they remind her of him, as do the cigarettes. She lights one and lets it burn for a minute. She doesn't smoke it because, well ew, that would be gross. She lets the smoke waft around her. If she shut her eyes, which she now does, he could be right there with her. 

"Hey Niblet." She opens her eyes. The illusion is lost. She grinds the cigarette out in the dirt of a plant that used to sit in her mom's room. 

"I can't believe I stole this stuff from Spike's crypt." She runs her hands over some of things that she keeps in the bag- a book of poetry, some jewelry, a couple of tapes, and an open pack of cigarettes. 

When the tape clicks off, Dawn removes her earphones and puts her booty away. I should be in bed. She removes the chair from under the doorknob, pads over to the bed, kicks her slippers off, and slides into bed. 

Buffy's been so nice to me, taking me on patrol, letting me help with research and how do I repay her? I miss the guy who tried to... She cuts her thoughts off. She hates what he tried to do to Buffy. She hates that even with the knowledge of his attack on her sister, she still misses him. How can I miss him!? I am a horrible sister. 

Buffy has asked her if she ever thought of him. She tried to tell Dawn that it was ok if she did. Buffy tried to excuse what he did- she didn't say it was alright that he did it but that she understood. Well Dawn didn't understand. If a guy had tried to do that to Dawn, Buffy wouldn't excuse it. Why should she? Because it's Spike? Because they bonded over the summer? Because they shared their grief over Buffy's death? Because she could sneak out of the house, make her way to his crypt, crawl into his bed and he would hold her as she shed her tear? No one would ever quite know what Spike meant to her. When Buffy died, everyone had someone. Xander had Anya. Willow had Tara. It seemed natural that Dawn and Spike would look to each other for comfort. 

He missed Buffy and had no one to share his grief with. Dawn felt responsible and felt guilty around Buffy's friends. Spike felt responsible too, but since Buffy's friends never liked him, he didn't have anything to worry about. He only cared about Dawn. He had promised Buffy he would take care of her little sister. He failed once; he swore never again. 

Dawn shakes off the memory of Spike drying her tears with the pad of his thumb. He had been so gentle, so caring. 

That's why it had been so hard to accept what he had done to Buffy. I know he loves her. He told me so- constantly. 

"Now you listen here, Dawn. Your sister was the slayer. She had important stuff to do. She," Dawn remembered he always got choked up at the next part. "she gave her life for us, all of us. She was good." 

Dawn tossed and turned throughout the night. Images kept flooding her mind. Spike reading her poetry. Spike letting her drive the Desoto- which she must never, ever tell anyone about or he threatened something that Hannibal the Cannibal would be grossed out by. She smiles in her sleep at the memory. Spike even thought it was his job to warn her about boys. He gave her a lecture about the 'dangers of dating'. Dawn's dreams of a kind, loving and protective Spike turned into a nightmare with Spike as an evil, snarling vampire, full of rage and lust throwing Buffy onto the bathroom floor, forcing kisses upon her, attempting to pry her legs apart. Dawn awakens shivering and shaken from the nightmare. 

"How can I miss someone like that?" I don't even know it was like that. I wasn't there, it might not have been that bad. Her subconscious pipes up, "Yeah, it could have been worse." 

Dawn flings off the covers deciding sleep is overrated anyway and heads downstairs to make herself a bowl of ice cream. She turns the corner into the kitchen and sees Spike sitting on a stool eating ice cream he's topped with pig's blood for flavoring. 

"Want some?" he asks. 

"What are you doing here?" 

"You tell me. It's your dream." 

"Arrgh!" Dawn sits upright in bed. I must have dozed back off. 

Buffy knocks on her door. "Dawn, you ok?" 

Dawn answers saying she's fine. 

Buffy opens the door to Dawn's room and walks over to her sister. "Maybe I shouldn't take you on patrol anymore." 

Dawn assures her that wasn't the problem. 

"Ahh, guy trouble?" Buffy asks. 

"Uh, sort of." How can I explain this? 

Buffy asks if she wants to talk about it. 

"Not really." Dawn answers. 

"I thought we said no more secrets." 

"Buffy, please. I... I just can't talk about it. Especially with you." 

"You can tell me anything, Dawn. Anything." 

Dawn gives her sister a weak smile. "I keep seeing Spike." 

Buffy asks, "Where?" 

"Everywhere." Dawn answers. "In my dreams. When I see someone dressed in black. When I smell cigarette smoke. All the time." 

Buffy hugs her sister. "Oh Dawn. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I guess I should have staked him long ago." 

"No!" Dawn says emphatically. 

Buffy gives Dawn a perplexed look. "But if you're having nightmares..." 

Dawn takes a deep breath, "I have a confession." 

Buffy nervously waits. "Ok." 

Dawn exhales. "I'm sorry Buffy. I try to hate him for what he did to you. I mean I do hate him for that." She pauses. "But I can't hate him completely. Buffy, he did so many nice things for me when you were gone." Dawn pleads her case. "He made me read the summer selections for school, and he bought me pizza, and uh, we went to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show." Buffy looks surprised. Dawn continues, "He stopped stealing so I would too- it was kind of a pact, and he dried my tears and Buffy," Dawn starts crying, "I'm sorry. I'm a bad sister. But I love him for all those things and I wanna kill him for ruining all that and I hate what he did and... and..." Dawn's crying intensifies. "I miss him!" 

Buffy holds her and tells her it's ok. 

"It's OK." Buffy repeats. "You know when Angelus emerged from Angel, I still had love for Angel. Every person has good and bad in them, just because Spike did something bad doesn't take away all the good he did. Do you understand what I'm saying?" 

"But he tried to..." 

Buffy interrupts, "Remember Miss Calendar? I often wondered how I could still love Angel after he did that." 

Dawn says, "He was evil then. He was Angelus- pure demon. It's not the same with Spike." 

"I am not excusing what Spike did. I'm trying to tell you that I understand how you can still feel for him." 

"What can I do about it?" asks Dawn. 

"Nothing. If you care and miss him, that's your feeling. Don't suppress it." answers Buffy. 

"I'm sorry Buffy. I feel like a bad person." 

Buffy takes Dawn's hand. "You are not a bad person! Never think that. You are a loving, kind, compassionate, GOOD person. I love you for that. Spike is lucky to have you for a friend. Most people would have written him off- not you. Why? Because you are a good person." 

"I love you too. Thanks for understanding." 

Buffy smiles at her sister. "If you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to come to me." 

Dawn thanks her sister. 

Buffy stands. "I'm heading to bed. G'night." 

"Buffy?" 

"Yeah?" Buffy asks. 

"It's really ok?" asks Dawn.

"That you miss him?" 

"Yeah." says Dawn. "That I miss him." 

"It's ok." Buffy smiles and leaves Dawn's room. 

Dawn turns out the bedside lamp and lies back in bed. She shuts her eyes and he appears- illusions again. This time she tells him how she feels. 

"Spike. You jerk! I hate you. You ruined our friendship. You broke my trust. You big, stupid, jerk. And you didn't even stay around so I could yell at you. And, and... I miss your stupid, jerky self! I miss you." 

She finishes softly. She sleeps. And for the first time in weeks, it's peaceful. 

~Fin~ 


End file.
